How to Stop Fighting Step #2 Overcoming the Hurt -- Replacing Humiliation with Respect

Apologies can be very helpful in cooling things down.

But, consider...

What are you apologizing for? Are you apologizing for...

• Things you said in anger that you didn't really mean?
• Things you did wrong that you now regret?
• Things you really meant to say or meant to do (but you hope by apologizing you can reduce the tension and get what you want or need)?

If you are apologizing for things you said in anger that you maybe didn't really mean,

You should be sincere in your apology by...

• Explaining that you let your anger get the better of you.
• Expressing regret for what you said and the hurt that it caused.
• Explaining, in a respectful way, what you really think or want.

If you are apologizing for things you did wrong that you now regret,

That is a good step forward, but you must make it clear...

• How you are going to remedy the situation, if possible.
• How you will change your behavior and/or your relationship in the future so the same problems will not occur again, if remedying the situation is not possible.

If you are apologizing for things you really meant to do or say, then that suggests...

• Your apology is tactical, not real, or...
• It is tantamount to giving in.

While it may help ease the tension over the short term, it is likely to have long-term negative consequences. (See Give In.)

• Most likely, it is not going to help remedy the relationship; nor will it get you what you want or need.
• Usually it is better to explain again what you really meant, but to do so in a respectful and positive way.
• If you do apologize, just apologize for the WAY you said things, not for things you really meant.